Article on love

The Whole Brain Child: How to raise one

The Neurobiology of “we”

Healthy Mind Platter 

An Alpha Child is simply a child who assumes the dominant role in the Child-Parent attachment.  It is known by many labels: “the strong willed child”, the “defiant child” the “oppositional child” amongst others. This childhood problem displays an attitude and behaviour towards parents that says “I’m the boss and you are here to serve me” or “Just try to make me”, or “I don’t care!” etc.  This attitude often starts out being cute with what can be misinterpreted as advanced mature behaviour and a sign of early intelligence but it quickly becomes a parental nightmare.  In our democratic society today parents easily forget that all attachment is hierarchal – someone must be alpha.  In a secure child the parent is always Alpha. But in some families the children have usurped this role.

Price is in New Zealand Dollars.  This intervention can be downloaded as soon as your payment is complete.

This 6 page intervention thoroughly discusses the Alpha Child, how they have come to be Alpha and what Parents and Teachers can do to re-claim their nurturing, leadership role with children.  Practical suggestions are mingled with an explanation so that adults can see the situation with ‘new eyes’.  Alpha children are behaving out of an emotional need and behavioural techniques will simply entrench them in their Alpha state more.

Here’s what people are saying:

I would like to say many thanks for your intervention suggestions. They have been just the trick. I thought Evelyn and I had quite a good relationship but in the last few weeks I’ve found that it has improved with leaps and bounds. She says “I love you” to me lots of times. I see her making lots of effort and thinking very carefully. She even wanted to make me breakfast in bed last weekend. Which she did – with my help – but I made sure I was back in bed to receive it. 

We still have our moments but they are much more in the background (much less frequent and much less intense). ~ Jane

Our Guarantee: If this booklet does not meet your expectations and value for money, we offer a free 30 minute telephone or skype consultation in addition to a full refund of your money.

Price is in New Zealand Dollars.  This intervention can be downloaded as soon as your payment is complete.

You may also like:

Aggressive Defiant child information guide

Strong Willed Child movie and information guide

Angry Child intervention guide

As much as we want to shelter our children from unpleasant experiences, death is a natural fact of life, and children will be exposed to it.

1. Grief: The Issue

Children usually first encounter death by seeing a dead insect, or animal run over on the road, or by experiencing the death of a pet. Sometimes though, a loved one dies: a mother or father, a grandparent or another family member. There are no simple ways to help your child cope with death. Children differ widely in their reactions to death. A child’s age, personality, and relationship with the deceased influences how a child grieves. Children can’t sustain emotions for a long duration so they grieve in spurts. They may react with sorrow, or anger one minute, then give their thoughts a rest as they return to play.

Babies and Toddlers may not understand death, but they do react to it. A child will sense the stress of their parent, and may become clingy or irritable. Pre-schoolers often don’t understand the permanence of death and might keep asking when the loved one is coming back. How does a parent help their child deal with the loss? Especially when the parent is often struggling with their own grief. There is no magic cure to take away the pain of loss. But with compassion, hugs, and straightforward talking, you can help your child deal with her unique sense of loss when a loved one dies.

2. How to Respond to a child in grief

Be aware of, and understand your own feelings of grief as a parent, and don’t be afraid to show them. Children need to see that you can cry and still survive. Your child learns from you that emotions of sadness, anger and loss are okay, and that one day they will pass. The following ideas can support your child.

• Talk openly with your child about the death, using direct language, and a warm tone. Parents sometimes assume their child can’t handle death, so they avoid talking about it. But children are resilient and need to feel connected to you at this time.
• Give your child extra attention at this time. Grieving children, no matter how they are acting, need your time, love, and reassurance.
• Children need physical closeness when they grieve. Physical touch heals, so hold them close as they experience moments of grief. It will help your child feel secure.
• Tell your child the truth when they ask questions. If you don’t know the answers, tell your child that you just don’t know. Tell them the question is a good one to ask but a hard one to find an answer for.
• Use plain and simple language to explain death. Don’t use euphemisms about death, as these phrases confuse a child: “We lost him”, “Grandma has gone away”, “He’s gone to heaven.”
• Allow your child to express their emotions. Parents are sometimes intensely uncomfortable with a child’s expression of grief. We want children to be happy. But sadness and anger are important parts of grief – both yours and your child’s. So give your child permission to be upset and frustrated. Empathise with your child that you understand why they feel the way they do, and that it is okay.
• Let your child know what to expect if they are to attend the funeral. Explain what will happen, what they will see, and what people will say and do.
• Focus on happy memories. Talk often about the deceased person. Create a ritual of remembrance for the deceased. On birthdays or anniversaries, it’s good to go to the cemetery and talk about the loved one, and what they have meant in your life. The process of recovery is closely related to the acceptance of the loss. Acceptance will not come until reality is faced, and visits to the cemetery, if it’s possible, can help bring an acceptance of the loss.
• Deal with fear. Children may worry about being abandoned. “Are you going to die?” is a typical question of children. Reassure your child of your presence and that you’ll take care of them. “I don’t expect to die for a long, long time,” is a good response.
• Don’t forget to concentrate on life. Do some favourite activities with your child, or begin new activities. This will be hard initially, but will be a great support for your child when you focus on life activities.

Be encouraged. It’s not an easy task to bring comfort to your child. Often your child’s loss is your loss too, and to openly listen, and share such intense feelings takes enormous courage. Life isn’t fair. But by supporting your child, the shattered pieces of your lives can find healing. Talking, together as a family, with empathy and understanding brings shelter from the storms of grief. Gentle touches, listening eyes, and reassuring words are the healing medicine for grieving children.

Finding the right thing to say

Avoid these expressions

“I’m fine.”

“Everything’s okay.”

“Nana went away.”

“We lost her.”

“Grandpa died because he was old and sick.”

Use these words

“I’m feeling very sad and I might be grumpy and impatient sometimes, but it has nothing to do with you.”

“Nana died. Her body is not alive and it cannot breathe, eat, or feel anything.”

“Grandpa had a very, very bad illness that doctors couldn’t help. His sickness was much different from the kind you and I get.”

Recommended reading

Books for children

1. Lifetime: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children by Brian Mellonie (Bantem Books, 1987)
2. Waterbugs and Dragonflys: Explaining Death to Young Children by Doris Stickney (Pilgrim Press, 1997)
3. It Isn’t Easy by M. Connolly and R. Manahan (Oxford University Press, 1999)

Book for parents

1) Talking with Children and Young People about Death and Dying: A Workbook, by M. Turner (Jessica Kingsley Publishers, 1998)

In spite of the attention our media rightfully gives to cases of horrific child neglect and abuse, the truth is it’s only a miniscule percentage of parents who do these terrible things.  Nearly every parent loves his or her child.  What parent isn’t profoundly touched by their child’s birth!  But did you know that loving your child is not enough?  What’s of far greater importance for positive parenting outcomes is not how much parents love their child, but how much the child loves their parents.  Understanding this makes all the difference!

To illustrate, can you remember back to your school days and how you behaved with different teachers?  I’d imagine you were an angel for those teachers you liked . . . but for those you didn’t like your behaviour and attitude deteriorated.  The reason for the difference is because students want to be good for those teachers they like.  It works the same way for parents!  If your kids like you they will want to be good for you.

Wanting to be good for just anyone is not a genetic trait your child is born with. Believing your child should properly behave simply because you are their parent is a false assumption and leads to disappointment.  While it’s not inborn within the child to be well behaved, it is instinctive to want to please those we love.  When a parent can create within their child a desire to love them, they will see a beautifully maturing child who wants to please.  Children love those they feel emotionally close to.  And what’s even better is children want to be good for those they feel close to.  That’s why when it comes to children thriving what really counts is, “How much does my child really love me?”

Of course to feel loved a child needs a loving parent.  But for the child to love the parent it needs a different context.  To help a child feel loved the parent must be child centred, which means they are aware of and understand the special needs of their child.  When the parent is responsive to these needs the child develops strong love connections with their parent.  When you see your child through their eyes and try to enter their world and their senses – see through their eyes, hear through their ears, and feel through their touch – the child feels valued and significant.  This sense of belonging fills up their love cup and it overflows in good behaviour.  So work harder on your child feeling loved than on simply saying how much you love them.  It makes all the difference.

See our articles & interventions on the Alpha Child and the Strong Willed Child for more information.

Isn’t it a good thing when a child seeks to become the one in charge?  Shouldn’t such independence be commended and encouraged?  While it might look cute when a 2 year old tries to run the family, it can become a parent’s worse nightmare when a 4 year tries to do it.  It is developmentally unhealthy for any child to be the one in charge.  Let’s explain why.

 How to recognise an alpha child

• Can be bossy and controlling
• Likes to take charge and get their own way
• As ‘top dog’ they tend to give directions, not take them
• Have a tendency to get annoyed or irritated when asked to do something (or ignore you)
• Insist on fairness, their rights and getting what they think they deserve
• Will sometimes become a ‘caretaker’ of their parent or sibling
• Have a tendency to hide or suppress their own needs – they appear strong and resilient, so often are tearless.
• Can get aggressive when they don’t get their own way
• Strong alphas can appear fearless and resist close physical contact

Why is the Alpha child a problem?

When a child doesn’t recognise that their parents know what is best, or refuses to take directions, they become very difficult and exhausting to parent.  It leads to a battle of wills where you feel like your child is playing for the opposing sports team; for one to win the other has to lose – but no one likes losing.  It’s a real struggle to gain a sense of parent satisfaction when your child is constantly challenging you.

What causes a child to be an alpha

Wanting to be boss isn’t genetically wired into a child.  Any child has the potential to become an alpha.  Let’s make sense of this child.  Hardwired into every child’s DNA is the need for closeness – someone is there to take care of me.  It’s called attachment.  When a child is safely attached to their parent they feel protected and comforted.  This gives them a sense of security and rest, “someone is there to take care of me so I am safe.”  But if the child perceives rightly, or wrongly, that their parent isn’t there to take care of them they will try to assume the role themselves.  Every child knows that to be safe someone must be in control . . . and if no one is there they will try to do it themselves.

A profound insight

The way the alpha child outwardly behaves (dominating, leading, being in charge) is the very opposite to how they feel on the inside.  Alpha children are alarmed children; behind the bravo image is a scared child.  It’s highly alarming when you are 3 or 4 year old and you think you have to take care of yourself.  There are many reasons why a child might feel their parent isn’t there to take care of them and they are described in the side table, Why children become Alphas

To change the alpha child parents have to become the alpha in the relationship.  Attachment is always hierarchical: someone has to be in charge before they can take care of another.  While alpha is defined as being dominant in the relationship, it in no way implies being domineering.  Alpha parents don’t bully or intimidate their children!  That’s not an alpha.  The alpha in a wolf pack is the one who protects the pack.  If danger or threat appears the alpha wolf is first on the scene to take care of the rest of the pack.  Alpha is a protecting and comforting role.  The rest of the wolf pack feel safe because they have an alpha who they trust will defend them against any attack.

For a child to feel secure and safe they must see you as their alpha.  If they don’t they will assume the role themselves: “Help!  I’m only 4 and my dad and mum aren’t in control.  Someone has to be boss around here if I’m to be taken care of . . . if it’s not dad and mum, I’ll have to do it myself!”  That’s a scary place for any pre-schooler and doesn’t make for healthy development.  The alpha child has to learn to be taken care of.  As Dr. Cooper of the Circle of Security suggests, parent should always be bigger, stronger, wiser and kind.  When you are all of these qualities for your child they can rest knowing they will be protected, comforted and a source of delight.  When children find rest they’re a lot easier to parent.

Why Children become Alphas

Our egalitarian society.  Democratic parenting that gives the child equal rights with their parents.  The person who takes care of a child can never been an equal – for a child to feel safe the parent/teacher must always be the alpha.

Parenting on demand.  As parents we are so busy these days.  When we get home there are so many demands (dinner prep, housework, washing, bathing, etc.) that we can find we are only responding to our child’s demands.  When this happens it puts our child in charge of closeness.

Parent needing the child.  Sometimes because of our own life history we can look to our child for comfort, love, security and joy.  This again makes the child feel they are responsible for taking care of us.  Adults are meant to be alphas to each other, not their child being alphas for them.

Encouraging pre-mature independence.  There is too much pressure on children these days to grow up quickly.  Becoming independent too young has many pitfalls.  These children are more likely to become peer attached and parents find they have lost their influence when their child is in primary school, let alone high school when a teenager needs parental guidance.

Hesitant parenting.  Today parents are so afraid that they might damage their child they become hesitant to do what should come intuitively to them.  When a child senses hesitancy they feel unsafe, so take on the alpha role.

Alpha by defense.  For children who have experienced emotional wounding (abuse) they defend against their feelings of hurt by putting on a tough exterior.

 See also our Alpha Child Intervention

References

Cooper, G.  (2011).  Circle of Security. (early intervention program for parents and children) Check out their web site.

Ginott, H.G.  (2003).  Between Parent and Child.  New York: Three Rivers Press.

Neufeld, G. & Mate, G.  (2006).  Hold onto Your Kids.  New York: Ballantine Books.

Schore, A.N.  (2003).  Affect Regulation & the Repair of the Self.  New York: W.W. Norton & Company.

Seeing a green paddock full of cows or sheep would make you think our soil is the best you can get get.  While our soil is great for growing cows and sheep it does have some deficiencies when it comes to human health because it is generally low in the essential nutrients of selenium, zinc, magnesium and iodine. Plants need these compounds in the soil they grow in if the food they produce is to have these nutrients.  Limited amounts of these nutrients in the soil will mean the fruit or vegetables will also have a limited supply. 

Iodine is essential for normal brain development and thyroid functioning.  Iodine is usually found in fruit, grains and vegetables, but they get their iodine from the soil they grow in.  That’s the problem, as our soil doesn’t have much iodine.

Magnesium is essential for formation of bones and teeth and assists in the absorption of calcium and potassium.  It is needed to give the body energy.  Heart health also needs this important mineral.  The source of magnesium is green vegetables, nuts and some whole grains. It is also important for a good night’s sleep.

Zinc is essential for body functions involving energy and metabolism.  It’s also great for our immune system.  Meat, cereals, beans, peas, eggs and seafood are sources of zinc.

Selenium is an anti-oxidant that works with vitamin E to protect cell membranes from damage.  Research is studying whether selenium plays a role in lowering the risk of lung, prostate, stomach and colorectal cancer.  Foods with high selenium content are Brazil nuts, poultry, seafood, wholegrain, onions, garlic, mushrooms, and brown rice.  Again the plants need selenium in the soil if it’s to be absorbed into the plant.

In New Zealand we recommend John Appleton’s health supplements.  If you wish to seek expert medical advice for your child with regards to allergies, ADHD, behaviour problems, Autism, recurrent infections or nutrition we recommend Dr Leila Masson

Kiwi’s are getting bigger!

1977: 10% of adults obese, 34% overweight

1997: 17% obese, 35% overweight

2009: 28% obese, 37% overweight

In a recent nutrition report by the Ministry of Health, New Zealand obesity rates have soared compared to a decade ago.  For men 27.7 % are obese compared to 17% in 1997.  For women the rate is 27.8% compared to 20.6% in 1997.  Professor Jim Mann of Otago University calls the statistics alarming: “New Zealand is high up in the ranks of the global pandemic of obesity.  It reminds us that we have got a terrible problem.”  His answer to the problem is better nutritional choices.  Here is the Mayo Clinics, one of Americas top medical institutions, top ten foods.  If you want to be healthy you can’t get better than these foods:

 Nature’s wonder foods:

• Almonds.  Rich in fibre, riboflavin, magnesium, iron and calcium.  They’re great for healthy hearts.
• Apples.  The pectin in apples helps lower blood cholesterol and glucose levels.  They’re also an excellent source of vitamin C.
• Blueberries.  Research has found these magic berries are full of phytonutrients that help prevent chronic disease.  They improve short-term memory and promote healthy aging.  Full of fibre and vitamin C.
• Broccoli.  This is also an excellent source of phytonutrients that prevent diseases like heart disease, diabetes, and some cancers.  It’s also full of vitamin C and vitamin A.
• Red beans.  Full of fibre and rich in iron, phosphorous and potassium.  They also contain phytonutrients.
• Salmon.  The benefits of omega-3 fatty acids are well established.  Hearts love omega-3 and it promotes healthy immune functioning.
• Spinach.  Pop-eye was onto a good thing with spinach.  High in vitamin A and C and folate it helps boost our immune system and keeps the hair and skin healthy.  It also contains compounds that help our vision.
• Sweet potatoes. This beaut yellow vegetable is full of beta carotene that the body converts into vitamin A – the vitamin that keeps you looking young, so it’s got to be good.  They also are excellent sources of vitamin C, fibre, vitamin B-6 and potassium.
• Vegetable juice.  All the benefits of the original vegetables presented in a delicious nutritious drink.  Here is a great way to include vegetables in your child’s diet as well.  Tomato juice contains many health benefits.  It contains an antioxidant called lycopene that may reduce the risk of heart attack and prostate cancer.
• Wheat germ.  Sprinkle some wheat germ on your breakfast cereal each morning for a health boost.  Wheat germ is the part of the seed that develops and grows the new plant sprout.  It contains folate, magnesium, phosphorus and zinc.

In New Zealand we recommend John Appleton’s health supplements.  If you wish to seek expert medical advice for your child with regards to allergies, ADHD, Behaviour problems, Autism, recurrent infections or Nutrition we recommend Dr Leila Masson

(Adapted from Mayo Clinic Health Newsletter; New Zealand Herald, 16 October, 2011)

1. Physical time.  Aerobic exercise increases BDNF (brain-derived neurotrophic factor).  When BDNF gets released it’s like fertiliser for the brain.  Brains love it because it promotes the growth of new neurons and new neural connections.  Get moving for brain growth!
2. Focus time.  When we intentionally focus on something, and discipline our mind to pay attention, the brain fires up in good ways.  Distractions and foggy thinking are bad for neuroplasticity.
3. Time in.  This describes the reflective activity of bringing to consciousness our inner thoughts and feelings.  As we reflect the brain integrates our experiences into a collective whole that helps make sense of our experiences.
4. Sleep time.  Brains need rest and down time.  When we are asleep our brains ‘connect the dots’ of our days experience and it provides time for repair.
5. Down time.  Minds also need time when they are allowed to wander.  Doing nothing time, without any specific purpose or gaol in mind, is good brain food.
6. Play time.  Creative fun releases powerful positive hormones into our brain system.  Try rough and tumble play with your child and see the delight on their face!  That’s their brain speaking of how much it loves play time!
7. Connected time.  Brains love social connections.  In fact, some scientists have called the brain the ‘social brain’ because of its need of social interaction to optimally develop.  Attachment and intimate interactions create strong neural pathways.

A great brain website, with brain enhancing games for adults and older children can be found at www.luminosity.com

References:

Cozolino, L.  (2006).  The Neuroscience of Human Relations.  New York: W.W. Norton & Company.

Panksepp, J.  (2005).  Affective Neuroscience.  New York: Oxford University Press.

Siegel, D.J.  (2007).  The Mindful Brain.  New York:  W.W. Norton & Company.

Siegel, D.J. (2010).  Mindfulness.  New York: Batam Books.

Food groups research: Choose My Plate  

Choosing to eat healthy is an important aspect of a great lifestyle.  Research consistently finds a strong relationship between poor diet and negative health outcomes.  With child obesity on the increase healthy eating isn’t just an adult concern. Recently the US Department of Agriculture updated the familiar food pyramid model.  They have called the new model “Choose My Plate.”  They suggest the following for healthy eating:

• Enjoy your food, but eat smaller servings.
• Make half your plate vegetables and fruit.
• Make at least half your grains whole grains.
• Change to fat-free or low-fat milk
• Check the salt (sodium) content of foods and go with the one that has less.
• Avoid sugary drinks but indulge with natures best – water.

Is sugar toxic?

Nearly all processed foods have some form of sugar in them, but what is it doing to our health?  Dr. Robert Lustig argues sugar is “the most demonized additive known to man.” What makes his argument persuasive is he is a leading expert in childhood obesity at the University of California, San Francisco, School of Medicine.  This scientist is top in his field.  In a lecture reported by the New York Times, he believes that excessive consumption of sugar is the main reason why there has been a significant increase in obesity and diabetes in America.  He also suggests there is a link between sugar intake and chronic aliments like heart disease, hypertension and many of the common cancers.  You can check out his lecture on YouTube “Sugar: The Bitter Truth.” While critics might debate his findings, parents know it’s not smart giving your child a can of Sprite before bedtime.  Those teaspoons of sugar create bedtime chaos!

Recent reports such as those from Family First, and the New Zealand Children’s Commissioner, “Through their lens” add considerable weight to what we discovered in doing our literature review.   We do not wish to give parents who must work a guilt trip.  Of course many children who attend childcare full time grow up to be positive, responsible, contributing citizens in society.  But this report, and others we have referred to are considering what is in a child’s BEST INTERESTS, not what is simply “good enough”, or “my child survived”. We want all children to have every opportunity to THRIVE and that’s what this literature review is about.  Basically, we ask, if children are BEST served by an attentive, responsive parent, then governments should be targeting their policies to achieve this.  Of course, there are a growing number of children in New Zealand who sadly don’t have responsive, attentive parents. These are the children who should be receiving the funding to attend childcare, while those parents who want to provide nurturing care themselves, should be given the opportunity to do so.  The vast majority of research that shows childcare is beneficial to children is research that has been done on neglected, underprivileged or lower socio-economic groups.  To assume that the same gains can be achieved for middle class average families is a huge step and one that research does not support.  Further, most research is not based on children in full time, institutionalized care and many of the controls needed to make the research of a quality standard are missing.  Please read our review and feel free to comment.

We welcome your feedback and contribution below, or on our facebook page.