Sleep issues
Parents need sleep too!
Children who won’t go to bed, and then won’t stay in bed, make exhausted parents. Most sleep solutions focus on only one cause of sleep problems: habit correction. When the other causes are ignored it’s difficult to change this frustrating situation.
Sleep difficulties fall into 3 broad categories:
- Habits: a child has an habitual ‘going to sleep’ routine where they are dependent on something external to help them go to sleep (a bottle, a cuddle, a song, Mum or Dad in bed with them). When a child wakes in the night, or comes into a natural ‘light sleep’ rhythm, they are unable to return to sleep without this sleep ‘prop’. So they seek Mum or Dad, or bottle etc. to help them return to sleep.
- Fear: a child might wake because of nightmares, or some other sleep disturbance – thunder storm, loud truck on the road etc. Because a child seeks closeness when afraid, they then wake Mum & Dad.
- A need for closeness: Sometimes children who are away from Mum and Dad for long periods of the day (e.g. full time in childcare) need extra closeness. They seek proximity with those they love. Having been separated during the day they resist being again separated at night. This can result in an emotional battle between a tired, but connection hungry, child and an exhausted parent. Other times they wake in the night and climb into bed quietly hoping Mum and Dad won’t wake . . . or something similar.
Understanding which one of the three is causing your child to resist bedtime is crucial, because your change approach must match the right cause. There is no use trying a habit correction technique if the child is seeking closeness (and vice versa). Most books and web sites offer sound advice on how to solve a habitual sleep problem, but there are very few that look at the most common cause of sleep hassles the Parents Partner encounters: a need for closeness.
Reflect on the questions below to determine which category of sleep challenge you and your child are experiencing.
|
description / statement |
circle if true |
|
My child attends daycare approximately 30 + hours a week |
n |
|
Sleep time used to be fun and easy |
n |
|
My child falls asleep with a bottle or other sleep prop |
o |
|
The sleep problem is getting worse |
n |
|
My child wakes up crying or shaking |
l |
|
My child insists the light is on at night |
l |
|
My child talks about scary dreams |
l |
|
I have a muddled and unclear bed time routine |
o |
|
There is no real bed time, I’m very flexible |
o |
|
I get really frustrated or angry with my child at bed time |
n |
|
I feel so sorry for and protective of my child when they wake during the night |
l |
|
My child is highly persistent in his / her sleep time demands |
n |
|
It can take over 1 hour to get my child to sleep most nights |
n |
|
My child repeatedly gets out of bed at night |
n |
|
My child is in the process of being toilet trained |
o |
|
Totals |
||
|
n |
l |
o |
|
/7 |
/4 |
/4 |
Most o indicates a habit sleep issue
Most l indicates a fear sleep problem
Most n indicates a connection based sleep problem
In the next edition of our parent newsletter we’ll describe what approach you can use to change this frustrating (and exhausting) discipline problem.
- Habits: if your score indicates that poor sleep habits or lack of routine are most likely the cause of your child’s sleep hassles, then you need to get into a routine. I recommend www.sleepsense.net as a great resource for getting your child’s sleep habits in tune with their sleep needs. However, be certain not to use these tools if your child is feeling genuine fear or if their sleep hassles are driven by a need for closeness. If you use a behavioural technique for an emotional problem you will only wound your child and your relationship with them.
- Fear: Fear is a real emotion that children experience and the cure is reassurance, comfort and protection. If a child has had recent insecurities in their life: trusted adult sick, pet dying, moving house, changing classroom, parent separation, holiday etc. it is fairly common for there to be a fear response when separating at bed time. In this situation Mum and Dad need to come along side their child with gentle reassurance and empathy. Let the child know that it’s ok to be scared and that you were scared too when you were little. Share with them all the things you do to make them safe – talk about how you lock the house at night, check on them before you go to bed, keep your door open so you can always hear them etc.
- A need for closeness: Often times children are just experiencing too much separation and not enough attachment with their parents. When this happens a child will devise any method they can to gain the time, attention and nurturing of a parent. At bed time, this separation anxiety rears it’s head in a persistent and annoying manner. Parents are tired, kids are tired and everyone needs sleep. But the bedtime battles can go on for over an hour. The solution to this problem is not to teach the child to separate, but rather to give them something to hold on to, while they are physically separate. Happy separation isn’t the answer, rather it’s more connection. Parents facing this type of bedtime battle need to change their focus from sleep to attachment. Children will learn to go to bed happy when we have deepened and strengthened the parent-child attachment. There are many ways we can do this as parents. But as a spring-board of ideas let me list a few:
- Give the child something physical to keep and take care of until morning
- Each morning share with your child all the attachment orientated things you did while they were asleep: “I came and tucked you in last night and you were fast asleep”. “I gave you a hug and a kiss, and you were dreaming peacefully”. “I had a dream while I slept last night: we were playing duplo on the floor and then we had a play wrestle together”. This kind of attachment talk allows your child to feel connected to you, even when they’re asleep.
- Give them a photo of you to keep with them beside their bed
- Allow them to take a cuddly / blanket / special teddy that has been kissed and hugged by you. When they hug the bear they’re getting Mum’s hugs too.
- If the child is quite young, a tape of your voice talking to the child, telling a bed time story, for example, or a blanket or pillow that you have slept with so it has your smell on it, or sprayed with your perfume.
- Make sure your bed time stories are attachment rich stories: stories that build that loving, close bond between parent and child, Guess How Much I Love You” is a classic, as is “I’ll Love You Forever”. There are, of course, countless more.
The key is to give your child some way to hold on to you while you are apart for the night.
Article:
It has been a tiring day at work, and you are looking forward to enjoying a quiet evening. But Junior has other plans – to disrupt your entire evening by refusing to go to sleep! Sound familiar? “I need a drink; I need to go to the toilet; I need the light on; Read me just one more story; I want to sleep in your bed.”
Children resist going to bed for many reasons. Some are not tired, others are scared, but most simply don’t want to miss out on what’s going on. So they have a range of strategies to achieve their goal of not going to bed – refusing to go, constantly getting out of bed, yelling out for your attention, or having nightmares. How can a parent win?
Children can resist going to bed at any age, but it’s fairly common amongst 3 and 4 year olds. At this age children are developing a sense of independence, and want more control. Endless stalling may also be a way of avoiding being in the dark. Pre-schoolers have active imaginations and may fantasize that monsters are in the cupboard or under the bed. At this age, being afraid is a normal developmental
pattern. Recognition of a child’s fears, together with gentle reassurance that they are safe and secure, will bring peace to bedtime battles.
The following steps are important in helping you win bedtime battles.
Sleep issuesFile size: 0.15 MB
**NOTE: if you’ve followed these steps, or others like them, and still have had no success, contact us for further help. Bed time battles can be a call for emotional connection from your child. So if behavioural techniques do not work, contact us and we’ll help you work out a plan that meets the needs of you and your child.
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