The Aggressive-Defiant Child
A tutorial for Parents and Teachers
Do parents, or teachers always like their child’s behaviour? Few kids are the model of perfection (I haven’t met any yet, but there may be one or two!) and kids do things that disappoint or displease us. Sometimes they can behave in ways that really annoy us; the angry, defiant child is a good example. How do you change an angry, aggressive child into a cooperative child? Firstly, anger is not a behaviour; it’s an emotion. We might encounter the anger through the child’s behaviour, but the cause of the behaviour is always emotional. It makes sense then that to change the behaviour you have to first change the emotion. As parents/teachers we need to hear the feelings of fear, despair or danger that the anger hides, because only when a child feels safe can they think clearly and behave properly. It’s really important to understand this insight because it’s focusing on the emotion, not the behaviour, where success will be found. When a child is upset they can’t be influenced by reason (“You shouldn’t be angry; anger is bad!”) An angry child is an aroused child and aroused children can only listen when they are soothed.
What is anger and where does it come from?
Anger is usually a response to a hurt. When any person – young or older – feels violated they feel angry. The young child who now has to share dad and mums time with new baby sister feels violated. The child who wants dad or mums time and attention, but they are always working or preoccupied feels violated. When parents separate it’s usual for a child to experience feelings of violation (“I expected dad and mum to live with me in the same house, now dad’s gone; I feel violated!”) Young children find it difficult to say how they feel, especially anger. Strong emotions are confusing to a young child. But every child wants you to know how they are feeling without having to tell you. To tell you they use their behaviour. When a child can’t use words to describe how they feel but use their behaviour it’s called acting out. The aggressive and defiant child is acting out. The parent/teache rhas to get below the behaviour to understand the emotion that is causing the behaviour. Only then will the aggressive behaviour change. Parents are often very uncomfortable with anger in their child. Most of us would like to suppress our child’s anger and express ours! But anger is healthy and a normal part of a child’s development. It’s a way to protect the child from harm or anticipated danger.
A Scientific Insight
The following sounds rather scientific, but it explains why a child gets angry and also provides a window of possibility into how to change the anger. All human brains are constantly scanning the environment to detect any threats to our safety – it happens at an unconscious level. If our brain thinks there is a threat it releases a hormone – cortisol – into . . .
Want to read more? Find the step by step process for transforming your Aggressive-Defiant Child. Click on the PDF icon to go the the full 4 page article. The Aggressive-Defiant ChildFile size: 154.07 KB
**NOTE: if you need personal coaching to help you understand these steps and put them into practice, please contact us. We’re here to help you, and not everyone can understand just by reading something on the net!