Parents Partner Parenting Advice & Workshops for Parents, Teachers & Couples https://www.parentspartner.com/ We offer advice and work with you to improve your parenting and teaching effectiveness and the outcomes for children in your care. Wed, 28 Feb 2024 03:04:45 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.4.3 https://www.parentspartner.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/favicon.png Parents Partner Parenting Advice & Workshops for Parents, Teachers & Couples https://www.parentspartner.com/ 32 32 Attachment – the Key to Parenting https://www.parentspartner.com/attachment-the-key-to-avoiding-parent-failure/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=attachment-the-key-to-avoiding-parent-failure Sun, 10 May 2020 20:55:30 +0000 https://www.parentspartner.com/?p=2700 Attachment is the most important factor in parent-child relationships Attachment relationships are not something formed once at birth and therefore live forever. Like any living relationship, they require ongoing, daily maintenance to ensure their strength, depth and vitality.  Due to this sensitive nature of the relationship they are therefore highly vulnerable to damage and insecurity …

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Attachment is the most important factor in parent-child relationships

Attachment relationships are not something formed once at birth and therefore live forever. Like any living relationship, they require ongoing, daily maintenance to ensure their strength, depth and vitality.  Due to this sensitive nature of the relationship they are therefore highly vulnerable to damage and insecurity and even more so in a childcare setting. Recent Neuroscience is demonstrating the critical importance of a strong, healthy parent – child attachment.  It’s something every parent should know and understand well.

Without a strong attachment, EVERY method you try will likely fail

Attachment is like the electricity that connects two parts. You have a desire for your child to change. Your child has a desire to feel safe, loved and happy. In order for both parties to get what they desire there needs to be a connection. And not just any connection! The connection needs to be warm, trusting and hierarchical. It’s MORE IMPORTANT for your child to feel the warmth, trust and hierarchy of the relationship than it is for you.

When it comes to behavior; it’s not how much you love your child, but how much your child loves you that counts. ~ Dr Gordon Neufeld

Attachment gives parents the right to instruct

Do you feel powerless to control or instruct your child? Does your child refuse and defy you? Do you experience constant battles of will? Are threats the only way you get obedience? If so, you are lacking the attachment power you need to influence your child. In other words, attachment is the key to a child WANTING to obey their parents, wanting to please, wanting to work together.

Attachment Tutorial

This 5 page tutorial will give you insights into healthy parent – child relationships (and is useful for teachers too). In addition, it will outline the main reasons these relationships become distressed.  The reasons for stress and strain are not as commonly understood as you might think.  Modern day “democratic” parenting styles, for example, have created “Alpha Children” – children who try to be in charge and boss their parents around.  Parent – child relationships are supposed to be lovingly hierarchical, not democratic!

Here’s how the attachment tutorial will help:

Want a better behaved child? Getting your relationship right empowers the parent and actually makes the child want to obey and defer to their parent!  Astounding yet true. This 5 page tutorial explains how this works and how to strengthen your parent-child relationship.

In this 5 page tutorial you will learn what good attachment does, the symptoms of a weak or poor attachment and 4 principles for building a stronger parent – child relationship.

Attachment is not just for babies – attachment is something all humans desire throughout our lives – to be physically and emotionally close to someone we can depend on!

You can purchase this tutorial for $15 US dollars.  It is available for immediate download by clicking the word “download” on the pop up window after payment.

Our guarantee: If this intervention does not meet your expectations and value for money we offer you a free, 30 minute telephone or skype consultation, and your money back.

  • If you prefer to understand attachment through DVD’s we recommend “Relationship Matters” available from our online shop also.
  • If you find our interventions useful, please consider sharing our site on Facebook or Twitter. You may also like to sign up for our newsletter – you’ll find the link on the right hand side of our home page.

 

 

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Single Parenting – doing it well https://www.parentspartner.com/single-parenting-well/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=single-parenting-well Sat, 09 May 2020 23:04:08 +0000 https://www.parentspartner.com/?p=2731 Risks of single parenting Single Parenting is more and more common these days and that’s why single parents need the very best advice to help them on this challenging journey.  Children raised in single parent homes are statistically over represented in social concern statistics, while single parents are over represented as feeling anxious, overwhelmed, stressed …

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Risks of single parenting

Single Parenting is more and more common these days and that’s why single parents need the very best advice to help them on this challenging journey.  Children raised in single parent homes are statistically over represented in social concern statistics, while single parents are over represented as feeling anxious, overwhelmed, stressed and depressed.  That’s not good news if you’re a single parent!

So does this mean single parents are at greater risk of experiencing less than optimal wellbeing? Research findings would suggest yes. But lets ‘unpack’ the research to hear what it is really saying. Single parenting can be a lonely, unappreciated road to travel.  Parents need the same skills whether they parent alone, or as a couple. But single parenting does have some added challenges.

Essential information for single parents

This 3 page intervention highlights the most important things single parents need to do and know for both themselves and the children in their care.  Getting these fundamentals right will help to ensure that your family is not a part of the negative statistics.

Our guarantee: If this intervention does not meet your expectations and value for money we offer you a free, 30 minute telephone or skype consultation, and your money back.

For further information check out our article “I’m the boss”

Children from single parent homes often become Alpha children and this can add to the single parent’s daily struggles.

Check out our sister company, Kakapo Creek – a botique early childhood centre on Auckland’s North Shore, New Zealand.

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How to Stop My Child Soiling Their Pants https://www.parentspartner.com/stop-child-soiling-pants/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=stop-child-soiling-pants Sat, 09 May 2020 22:54:48 +0000 https://www.parentspartner.com/?p=2726 Soiling Pants: what to do when it becomes a bad habit Parents are often reluctant to seek advice when their child is having bowel motion challenges.  But regularly pooing / soiling pants can be frustrating, dirty and annoying for parents.  There are different reasons why your child may be soiling their pants.  This free tutorial …

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Soiling Pants: what to do when it becomes a bad habit

Soiling pantsParents are often reluctant to seek advice when their child is having bowel motion challenges.  But regularly pooing / soiling pants can be frustrating, dirty and annoying for parents.  There are different reasons why your child may be soiling their pants.  This free tutorial brochure may help give you some advice as to where to go from here. This tutorial will help you discover the 6 key reasons children soil their pants – from the every day reasons to the very serious. The key points are summarised below and are found in more detail in our PDF tutorial in our online store.

It’s not unusual for kids to soil their pants after they are potty trained. The following are some reasons why it might occur:
  1. The child has a medical condition that leads to the soiling
  2. Some children become so preoccupied with their activity they forget they need to go to the toilet until it’s too late.
  3. Some children have a new toilet phobia.
  4. Most older kids who soil their pants have one thing in common – at an earlier age they have experienced pain while doing poo. It’s called encopresis…
  5. Another cause can be when a child is feeling anxious . . .
  6. It can be a symptom of trauma from sexual abuse . . .

Our PDF outlines 4 steps to identifying which cause it is that specifically relates to your child and gives advice and an action plan for parents and teachers to overcoming this emotionally challenging situation.

Our guarantee: If this intervention does not meet your expectations and value for money we offer you a free, 30 minute telephone or skype consultation, and your money back.

Sometimes anxiety is the cause of these kind of accidents. If you suspect your child may be suffering from anxiety, check out our anxiety intervention.

One further point. It is very important that this child is not shamed, ridiculed or criticised! While such a parental response is understandable because you are frustrated, a shaming approach won’t work! On the contrary, it may well increase the problem!

If this article or web site has helped you, please consider:

 

Check out our sister company, Kakapo Creek – a boutique early childhood centre on Auckland’s North Shore, New Zealand.

Follow and Like us on Facebook to keep up to date with the latest research on parents and families.Facebook page

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How to Help My Anxious Child https://www.parentspartner.com/help-anxious-child/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=help-anxious-child Sat, 09 May 2020 22:47:40 +0000 https://www.parentspartner.com/?p=2723 Avoiding Anxious Meltdowns An overly anxious child creates anxious parents! Parents ‘walk on egg shells’ as they try to ‘get on with the day’ while avoiding an emotional melt down. Meltdowns drain parent’s energy as they try to meet their child’s emotional needs. Negative feelings (like sadness, fear and anger) are normal and good. Feelings …

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Avoiding Anxious Meltdowns

An overly anxious child creates anxious parents! Parents ‘walk on egg shells’ as they try to ‘get on with the day’ while avoiding an emotional melt down. Meltdowns drain parent’s energy as they try to meet their child’s emotional needs.

Negative feelings (like sadness, fear and anger) are normal and good. Feelings are red flags to show us that something is happening that needs an intervention. An over use of fear can create significant challenges for both parents and the child. Parents need to take action!

Anxious Clingy Child: Causes

Anxiety and clinginess are usually caused by a fear of loosing connection to the most important person in a child’s life – you (Mum & / or Dad).

Telling our children to ‘toughen up’ simply undermines the influence we have in our child’s life.  Playing hard-ball results in children numbing and tuning us out. When these feelings get numbed we loose influence in our child’s life and other (much worse) behavioural problems occur later. Sadly, we seldom realise that these later problems in their teenage years are due to our response at an earlier time.

Solution: work harder on relationship than behaviour

It’s absolutely vital that we work harder on our relationship with our child (helping them feel loved, secure and close), than we do on their behaviour. When we fix the core roots of anxious, clingy feelings – the need for more closeness – then the behaviour almost always fixes itself.

A child can’t behave right until they feel right.

So the solution to anxiety in children is to work on the emotional connection between parent and child.  This intervention will help parents identify the root cause of their child’s anxiety. It provides key principles and examples of what parents can do to calm anxious hearts.

If you’d like to read more information on anxiety and what children need to find rest, take a look at our blog here or purchase our intervention guide by following this link.

This 5 page intervention discusses attachment based insights into anxious clingy children and summarizes the key theory behind it’s cause.  It then offers a detailed plan for parents and teachers to help comfort and resolve the issues.

This product is available for immediate download as a PDF file after payment.

Our Guarantee: If this booklet does not fully meet your expectations and value for money we will refund your money in full and in addition offer you a free 30 minute telephone or skype consultation.

If this article or web site has helped you, please consider:

 

Check out our sister company, Kakapo Creek – a boutique early childhood centre on Auckland’s North Shore, New Zealand.

Follow and Like us on Facebook to keep up to date with the latest research on parents and families.Facebook page

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My Child Won’t Sleep! https://www.parentspartner.com/child-wont-sleep/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=child-wont-sleep Sat, 09 May 2020 22:37:02 +0000 https://www.parentspartner.com/?p=2719 Sleep problems are the most distressing of all early childhood challenges When a child has sleep problems parents get exhausted. And exhausted parents act on ‘auto-pilot’ and can over-react or act wrongly and harm the parent child relationship.  So rest issues need fixing, fast! The problem is that most sleep interventions focus on sleep as …

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Sleep problems are the most distressing of all early childhood challenges

When a child has sleep problems parents get exhausted. And exhausted parents act on ‘auto-pilot’ and can over-react or act wrongly and harm the parent child relationship.  So rest issues need fixing, fast!

The problem is that most sleep interventions focus on sleep as a behavioural problem. Most often, rest problems in children have nothing to do with the behaviour, but everything to do with an emotion. Treating an emotional issue as if it’s a behavioural one will do a lot of damage to the parent-child relationship.  This intervention helps you diagnose which of the 3 categories your child’s sleep challenges fall into and then outlines a relationship building intervention to get them to rest easily.

Sleep problems and children fall into 3 broad categories:

1. Bad Habits can cause sleep problems:

A child has an habitual bed time routine where they are dependent on something external to help them go to sleep (a bottle, a cuddle, a song, Mum or Dad in bed with them). When a child wakes in the night, or comes into a natural ‘light sleep’ rhythm, they are unable to return to their slumber without this ‘prop’. So they seek Mum or Dad, or bottle etc. to help them return to sleep.

2. Fear can cause sleep problems:

A child might wake because of nightmares, or some other disturbance – thunder storm, loud truck on the road etc. Because a child seeks closeness when afraid, they then wake Mum & Dad. If you think your child’s challenge could be due to fear, then consider purchasing our ‘anxiety’ intervention.

3. A need for closeness can cause sleep problems:

Sometimes children who are away from Mum and Dad for long periods of the day (e.g. full time in childcare) need extra closeness. They seek proximity with those they love. Having been separated during the day they resist being again separated at night. This can result in an emotional battle between a tired, but connection hungry, child and an exhausted parent. Other times they wake in the night and climb into bed quietly hoping Mum and Dad won’t wake . . . or something similar. This is the most common and the most frustrating form of sleep challenges. It’s also the most difficult to understand.

Understanding which one of the three is causing your child to resist bedtime is crucial. Your change approach must match the right cause! There is no use trying a habit correction technique if the child is seeking closeness (and vice versa).

Most books and web sites offer sound advice on how to solve habitual sleep issues, but there are very few that look at the most common cause of sleep problems parents encounter: a need for closeness.

This $10 resource helps parents understand and fix the sleeping challenge associated with a need for closeness.  Go to our online store now to purchase this guide. If the behaviour and fear causes don’t fit your child, then this may be your answer to your child’s slumber problems. For advice on strengthening your parent – child relationship, see our Attachment Tutorial.

This resource is available for immediate download as a PDF file after purchase.

Price is in US Dollars.  You will be able to download this intervention as soon as you have completed payment.

Our guarantee: If this intervention does not meet your expectations and value for money we offer you a free, 30 minute telephone or skype consultation, and your money back.

If this article or web site has helped you, please consider:

 

Check out our sister company, Kakapo Creek – a boutique early childhood centre on Auckland’s North Shore, New Zealand.

Follow and Like us on Facebook to keep up to date with the latest research on parents and families.Facebook page

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Biting – How to stop my child biting https://www.parentspartner.com/stop-child-biting/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=stop-child-biting Sat, 09 May 2020 22:25:53 +0000 https://www.parentspartner.com/?p=2717 Biting! and how to stop it. Help! My child is biting other children and even their teacher! You may feel guilty that you are doing something wrong if your child is biting others. Research shows that  6% of two year old boys, and 4% of the girls were reported to often hit, kick or bite …

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Biting! and how to stop it.

Help! My child is biting other children and even their teacher!

You may feel guilty that you are doing something wrong if your child is biting others. Research shows that  6% of two year old boys, and 4% of the girls were reported to often hit, kick or bite (Dr Richard Tremblay, University of Montreal). Humans are more physically aggressive between the ages of 24 and 30 months than at any other time in their lives. So using teeth when frustrated is quite common among toddlers.

Humans are more physically aggressive between the ages of 24 and 30 months than at any other time in their lives.

What’s the Cause? Developmental or emotional?

Biting can be a simple developmental phase as a result of undeveloped language skills. However it can also be a sign of alarm or high frustration in children.  It’s essential that parents and teachers know the foundational cause otherwise the cure might be worse than the problem!

Biting can be a sign of alarm or high frustration, or just a simple developmental phase.

Assessing the cause

Is the child older than 36 months? Is the biting frequent and intense? If so, significant steps need to be taken. The first and most essential step is to deal with the underlying emotional cause.  Behavioural interventions will not work in these situations. You need an attachment approach.

If biting is a short term developmental challenge, then gentle interventions are more appropriate. Simply keeping the child away from others, keeping a close eye on them is sufficient.

However, where this is serious and teeth leave serious physical marks on other children and adults action must be taken. It is imperative that the underlying causes are quickly and accurately addressed so that the biter is stopped and other people are protected.

Purchase our Biting Intervention – only $10

Our biting intervention gives parents and teachers a map to understand children who bite.  The intervention guides you through attachment rich steps to stop this scaring and hurtful habit. It can be done!

An intervention for parents and teachers, this product is available for immediate download as a PDF file after purchase.

Our Guarantee: If this booklet does not meet your expectations and value for money, we offer a free 30 minute telephone or skype consultation plus a full refund of your money.

Oftentimes using teeth is a symptom of an underlying emotional issue. We recommend that parents and teachers consider the

Our resources on this are evidence based and attachment friendly for parents and teachers.

Check out our sister company, Kakapo Creek – a boutique early childhood centre on Auckland’s North Shore, New Zealand.

Follow and Like us on Facebook to keep up to date with the latest research on parents and families.Facebook page

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Calming my Angry Child https://www.parentspartner.com/calming-angry-child/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=calming-angry-child Sat, 09 May 2020 22:01:03 +0000 https://www.parentspartner.com/?p=2714 My Angry child When I see an angry child, I see a behaviour. But the solution to this behaviour is to realise that anger is not a behaviour, but an emotion! So if we approach angry children with a behavioural methodology we might do more harm than good! How anger gets expressed might be through …

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My Angry child

When I see an angry child, I see a behaviour. But the solution to this behaviour is to realise that anger is not a behaviour, but an emotion! So if we approach angry children with a behavioural methodology we might do more harm than good! How anger gets expressed might be through behaviour, but the cause of the angry behaviour is always emotional. It makes sense then that in order to change the behaviour you first must change the emotion! This is the most common error that parents and teachers make in trying to reduce aggression, anger and frustration in children.

Anger is not a behavior, it is an emotion.

As parents or teachers we need to hear the feelings of fear, despair or danger that the anger hides, because only when a child feels safe can they think clearly and act right. It’s really important to understand this insight because it’s treating the emotion, not the behaviour, where success will be found. When a child is upset they can’t be influenced by reason; they can only respond to emotional care.   We can show you how to do this.

Understanding Aggression: a treatment intervention for Angry Children

Do parents or teachers always like what they see in their children? Few kids are the model of perfection ( I haven’t met any yet, but their may be one or two!) and kids do things that make us disappointed or uncomfortable. The angry child is a good example. How do you change an angry, aggressive child into a cooperative child?

This intervention outlines the developmental and attachment based causes of aggression. Once we can see the aggressive child correctly, we gain a much better understanding of how to deal with it. The intervention outlines specific attitudes and behaviours for parents and caregivers to reduce the intensity and frequency of anger in children, from the inside out. All our interventions are attachment rich and are not based on behavioural or cognitive psychology and therefore offer parents a real alternative to the most common answers. We value the relationship between parent and child and teacher and child above all, and our interventions reflect this.

What you will receive:

When you buy this “Angry Child” package you get four PDF files:

  1. Angry Child Booklet
  2. Angry Child Review
  3. Aggression Insight Sheet
  4. Angry Children Intervention

Our guarantee: If this intervention does not meet your expectations and value for money we offer you a free, 30 minute telephone or skype consultation, and your money back.

For further information check out our article “I’m the boss”

 

Check out our sister company, Kakapo Creek – a botique early childhood centre on Auckland’s North Shore, New Zealand.

Follow and Like us on Facebook to keep up to date with the latest research on parents and families.Facebook page

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The Strong Willed, Defiant, Alpha Child https://www.parentspartner.com/strong-willed-defiant-alpha-child/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=strong-willed-defiant-alpha-child Sat, 09 May 2020 21:52:23 +0000 https://www.parentspartner.com/?p=2710 The Strong Willed, Defiant, Alpha Child Dr Gordon Neufeld describes this strong willed, defiant child as an “Alpha Child”.  Simply this describes a child who assumes the dominant role in the Child-Parent attachment.  It is known by many labels: “the strong willed child”, the “defiant child” the “oppositional child” among others. This childhood problem displays …

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The Strong Willed, Defiant, Alpha Child

Dr Gordon Neufeld describes this strong willed, defiant child as an “Alpha Child”.  Simply this describes a child who assumes the dominant role in the Child-Parent attachment.  It is known by many labels: “the strong willed child”, the “defiant child” the “oppositional child” among others. This childhood problem displays an attitude and behaviour towards parents that says “I’m the boss and you are here to serve me” or “Just try to make me”, or “I don’t care!” etc.

This attitude often starts out being cute. It can even misinterpreted as advanced mature behaviour and a sign of early intelligence but it quickly becomes a parental nightmare.  In our democratic society today parents easily forget that all attachment is hierarchical – someone must be alpha.  In a secure child the parent is always Alpha. But in some families the children have usurped this role.

If you’re battling the strong willed child, you need to purchase our attachment rich parent intervention.

 

How to recognise the defiant child

The ‘Strong Willed, Defiant, Alpha Child’ describes a child who defies parents and tries to be the boss at home.  This incredibly frustrating experience damages the relationship and results in parents losing their influence (and their tempers) with their child.  When a parent loses influence, the family happiness, the child’s safety and the parents sense of success is greatly diminished. This defiant child intervention gives parents the lens they need to see their child correctly. It then details an action plan to bring about harmony and happiness in the relationship.

Children who are stuck in the Alpha role in the home psychologically feel that they have to be in charge. This is a fearful thing for children, but they put on a brave (and often aggressive) face. Children come to be ‘alpha’ in the home through a variety of ways but it’s never a healthy relationship.  This intervention will help parents detect the way that the child has come to be ‘alpha’ and will then suggest ways to restore the relationship to the right hierarchical order.  A healthy relationship is where parents are the loving, benevolent caregivers and children are the receivers of this love and care.  Only when the right relationship is restored can children feel emotionally safe, and behave right.

We have a number of other interventions that address symptoms that these children often exhibit. The Neufeld Institue has produced an awesome 4 part series addressing defiant Alpha Children and we highly recommend their work.

Here’s what people are saying:

I would like to say many thanks for your defiant strong willed child intervention suggestions. They have been just the trick. I thought Evelyn and I had quite a good relationship but in the last few weeks I’ve found that it has improved with leaps and bounds. She says “I love you” to me lots of times. I see her making lots of effort and thinking very carefully. She even wanted to make me breakfast in bed last weekend. Which she did – with my help – but I made sure I was back in bed to receive it.
We still have our moments but they are much more in the background (much less frequent and much less intense). ~ Jane

Our Guarantee: If this booklet does not meet your expectations and value for money, we offer a free 30 minute telephone or skype consultation in addition to a full refund of your money.

 

Follow and Like us on Facebook to keep up to date with the latest research on parents and families.Facebook page

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Separation Anxiety https://www.parentspartner.com/separation-anxiety/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=separation-anxiety Sat, 09 May 2020 21:44:47 +0000 https://www.parentspartner.com/?p=2708 Avoid Separation Anxiety through Attachment Separation anxiety comes in many forms. A parent who must go to hospital; parents who must work and so the child goes to daycare; a parent whose work takes them away for days at a time; when a child must go to school, when parents separate and so on. Consequences …

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Avoid Separation Anxiety through Attachment

Separation anxiety comes in many forms. A parent who must go to hospital; parents who must work and so the child goes to daycare; a parent whose work takes them away for days at a time; when a child must go to school, when parents separate and so on.

Consequences for children:

If a child is separated from an adult to whom they are attached it causes trauma. Detachment is the most common form of trauma in children, and it is also the most common cause of a myriad of childhood problems. Agitation, fears, phobias, clinginess, alarm response, bedtime hassles, going to school hassles etc.all find their root in separation anxiety.

Separation is wrongly seen as good for children!

Modern society wants us to grow our children up faster. Independence in the form of childcare is often falsely regarded as a good step towards helping a child mature. Therefore we encourage detachment from parents earlier and earlier – “Let them go to Kindy so they get used to being away from Mum and Dad, then they’ll settle into school better”. “Don’t talk about Dad, they’ll soon forget him or adjust to his absence.”

This is a common belief among parents today, but it is based on a false theory. Unless a child is at a developmental stage and an attachment level where they are prepared for separation (usually between 4-6 years of age) separation will cause damage to the child’s sense of security. And worse, it will damange their level of attachment to their parent. While the visible damage seems to be limited to a few tears for 3 or so days, the hidden damage will likely go on to provide further parenting problems in the future.

unexpressed feelings never die, they are buried alive and come forth later in uglier ways

Separation
Separation is painful, but there are things you can do to reduce the damage.

Children need more closeness and attachment, not more separation!

Children actually never need to be away from Mum or Dad in order to teach them independence or maturity. Detachment does not teach this. Detachment at the wrong time only teaches a child that they can’t rely on their significant adult, separation at the wrong time teaches a child to build walls of defense in their hearts, separation at the wrong time teaches a child to attach to someone else.

Our intervention booklet provides you with ways to restore the connection and bridge separation when it can’t be avoided.

So, what do parents do then, when separation is inevitable, when it can’t be helped or avoided? How can a parent minimize the damage that this separation anxiety will cause? And what about Step parenting? How can step parents be part of the solution and not the problem? This intervention provides parents with new eyes to see their child through the process of being apart. It will give you ideas and steps to reduce the damage done by time apart and restore a right relationship where your child is at peace.

Make sure your child is not damaged by the separation they face by following the simple yet effective steps in our separation booklet.

Price is in US Dollars.  You will be able to download this PDF file intervention as soon as you have completed purchase.

Our guarantee: If this intervention does not meet your expectations and value for money we offer you a free, 30 minute telephone or skype consultation, and your money back.

Separation anxiety often builds in children.  If your child is anxious you may want to consider this article too.

Check out our sister company, Kakapo Creek – a boutique early childhood centre on Auckland’s North Shore, New Zealand.

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The Aggressive Defiant Child https://www.parentspartner.com/aggressive-defiant-child/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=aggressive-defiant-child Sat, 09 May 2020 11:42:32 +0000 http://www.parentspartner.com//?p=281 The Aggressive Defiant Child: A Free tutorial for Parents and Teachers The aggressive defiant child is a classic example of behavior that really ticks parents (and teacher) buttons!  There is nothing more frustrating and infuriating. And it’s becoming more and more common! Do parents, or teachers always like their child’s behavior? Few kids are the …

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The Aggressive Defiant Child:
A Free tutorial for Parents and Teachers

The aggressive defiant child is a classic example of behavior that really ticks parents (and teacher) buttons!  There is nothing more frustrating and infuriating. And it’s becoming more and more common!

Do parents, or teachers always like their child’s behavior? Few kids are the model of perfection (I haven’t met any yet, but there may be one or two!) and kids do things that disappoint or displease us. Sometimes they can behave in ways that really annoy us; the angry, defiant child is a good example.

How do you change an angry, aggressive child into a cooperative child?

Firstly, anger is not a behavior; it’s an emotion.

Anger is not a behavior, it’s an emotion!

We might encounter the anger through the child’s behavior, but the cause of the behavior is always emotional. It makes sense then that to change the behavior you have to first change the emotion. As parents/teachers we need to hear the feelings of fear, despair or danger that the anger hides, because only when a child feels safe can they think clearly and behave properly. It’s really important to understand this insight because it’s focusing on the emotion, not the behavior, where success will be found.

When a child is upset they can’t be influenced by reason (“You shouldn’t be angry; anger is bad!”) An angry child is an aroused child and aroused children can only listen when they are soothed.

Download our Angry Children Intervention for detailed parent instructions.

What is aggressive defiant behavior and where does it come from?

Anger is usually a response to a hurt. When any person – young or older – feels violated they feel angry. The young child who now has to share dad and mum’s time with new baby sister feels violated. The child who wants dad or mum’s time and attention, but they are always working or preoccupied feels violated. When parents separate it’s usual for a child to experience feelings of violation (“I expected dad and mum to live with me in the same house, now dad’s gone; I feel violated!”).

Young children find it difficult to say how they feel, especially anger. Strong emotions are confusing to a young child. But every child wants you to know how they are feeling without having to tell you. To tell you they use their behavior. When a child can’t use words to describe how they feel but use their behavior it’s called acting out. The aggressive and defiant child is acting out.

The parent/teacher has to get below the behavior to understand the emotion that is causing the behavior. Only then will the aggressive behavior change. Parents are often very uncomfortable with anger in their child. Most of us would like to suppress our child’s anger and express ours! But anger is healthy and a normal part of a child’s development. It’s a way to protect the child from harm or anticipated danger.

Aggression: A Scientific Insight

The following sounds rather scientific, but it explains why a child gets aggressive defiant and also provides a window of possibility into how to change the anger.

All human brains are constantly scanning the environment to detect any threats to our safety – it happens at an unconscious level. If our brain thinks there is a threat it releases a hormone – cortisol – into the blood stream causing a fight or flight response; this is a defence reaction. It’s a good system when we face real threats as it enables us to survive. But sometimes the system gets triggered, or activated when there is no real threat present. That’s because the brain stores memories and if there has been past hurt it can interpret a present situation as being similar – so the defence system gets activated.

If you you are experiencing extreme defiant behavior, you need our parent intervention: The Strong Willed, Defiant, Alpha Child.

This is what is happening in an angry child’s brain.

From their past experience (and maybe present) the child feels threatened, which then causes a release of these defense hormones to flood their body system causing a fight or flight reaction – although in the case of an angry child it is a fight reaction.

Their anger and defiance, which is being expressed through aggressive behavior, is caused by these fight hormones. It’s important to understand this because that’s why behavioral techniques have little effect on changing their aggressive behavior.

It’s not that what the teachers/parent do is wrong – not at all. But for this child the aggressive defiant behavior is being driven by hormones and chemicals in their system!! To stop the aggression you have to help the child switch off the hormones and switch on their safety system that overrides the fight or flight system.

That’s the important insight.

This child isn’t naughty, though they are doing some harmful behavior – they feel threatened which is causing a fight response. Something in their brain is telling them that their world is unsafe, so they go into defense mode – fight!

The treatment focus then becomes: how do we turn off their defense system so they feel safe?

Once they feel safe their body will no longer produce these “fight” hormones. When a child feels safe they are calm and socially engaged with others in positive ways. When a parent hears this scientific insight it can cause some anxiety: what possibly could be causing my child to feel threatened? Ours is a loving and involved home, we love our child, he/she is the centre of our life, we are good parents, etc..

In some cases kids emotional needs are being ignored, but in most cases parents are engaged with their child. Trouble is though not every child feels engaged with their parent. Little things can trigger this defense system within a child, like over commitment with work, being physically present with your child, but not emotional present i.e. on the phone, the web, TV etc.. If a child is feeling vulnerable any distraction can activate their defense system. Even your tone of voice can trigger it! There are numerous explanations of how a good parent can have a child who feels threatened and therefore acts with aggressive defiant behavior. It’s futile to try to find a culprit: “Who has messed up here!” The real point is to recognise your child feels unsafe, and to proactively get involved to turn off their defense system and activate their safe system. No one is in a better position to help a child feel safe than dad and mum.

Learn more about this in our Parent Intervention Guide available from our store.

aggressive defiantWhat to do about Aggressive Defiant behavior

I recommend a four stage approach: the first two for teachers and parents; the last two for parents only.

Step One

Put a boundary to prevent the child from hurting other kids, or causing disruption.

No doubt you are doing this already, so keep doing it. Every time the child does an aggressive defiant act – throwing toys, yelling, give them a firm command “No Throwing! No yelling!” And if they act aggressively the parent or teacher should supply the word for how the child is feeling – angry: “I know you feel angry, but you are not to throw things.”

Step Two

Switch off their defense system, so it isn’t receiving stress hormones. Here is how teachers/ parents can override the child’s defense system and turn on their safety system. I’m going to describe what a teacher should do, but it equally applies to parents.
To form secure bonds humans need face to face contact. If there is a teacher who relates better to the child, have her intentionally spend time every hour for 5 minutes in face to face contact with the child. It must not be side by side play, reading a story, etc. It must be face to face so the child can see her face clearly.

When engaged with the child face to face the teacher must do 3 things:
  • Smile so her eyes have ‘crows feet.’ This just means there is crinkled skin at the side of the eyes!! Relax, it happens automatically when you smile. Interestingly, recent research has found that when people have botox treatment other people can’t interpret how they are feeling. It changes the contour of the eyes. Neat eh!
  • Have an uplifted mouth – which again occurs automatically when you smile. When you are unhappy the mouth droops. You want the child’s brain to recognise through your facial expressions that it is a safe world.
  • As the teacher/parent talks with the child be conscious of lifting your eye brows. This sounds silly, but it is very powerful at triggering a child’s safety system in their brain. Have someone talk to you with their eye brows lowered, then have them talk with their eye brows raised – you can feel a physical difference in your body! So does the child.

When the brain receives these three non verbal messages it says, “This is safe.” And when it’s safe there is no need for those stress hormones . . .

Be physically close to child at intentional times.

It’s not possible all the time, but have the teacher create moments when she is touching the child.

Voices are powerful calming agents.

This child needs to hear low and slow communication to trigger their inner ear. Often with a child like this their inner ear muscles shut down. To activate them again eliminate background noise – take him/her aside, outside, away from the noise – and speak to him/her in a gentle, slow and low voice. For parents at home turn off the TV, or radio so your child can hear your voice clearly without having to yell. It works like magic! Voice is highly important for calming a child. Don’t yell at any child, but especially an angry one. A loud high voice activates the danger system. Low and slow is the secret.

Step Three – for parents

Check out your child’s environment.

Too much wrong stimuli in your child’s environment can give them emotional overload, thus triggering their defense system. There are three assessments here:

  1. Are they watching inappropriate media – TV, DVD, Computer games? Inappropriate is violence, sex and rapid action. These arouse a child’s system causing a sense of danger.
  2. Are they watching too much media. Too much is more than an hour a day. Media is structured to excite and provoke the brains sensory systems. That’s why we like watching it because it’s not boring. But too much for a young child triggers their fight or flight response. Only an hour a day.
  3. Check your child’s diet. Are they getting too much sugar as it will hype up their system.

Step Four – for parents

Check your stress levels as a parent.

If you are stressed, or anxious threat messages will be transferred to your child through your body language and tone of voice. Kids quickly pick up if a parent is stressed. A little bit of stress is healthy . . . But too much conveys a message of danger to your child. If you find yourself shoTuting at your child there is a good chance you are feeling stressed from things other than your child – work, partner, finances, etc. As a parent, check your arousal levels, and if they are high, lower them. Beginning with YOU is a great place to start to calm an angry child!

Attachment focused interventions work!

With this intervention I would expect the anger to stop within ten days, or sooner. The above interventions are an empathetic response that mirrors to a child that their upset feelings are normal and understandable. When a child feels dad and mum (or teacher) accept their deep feelings as being a normal part of human experience they amazingly transform their own angry, aggressive defiant emotions into calm, co-operative ones. It works the same way for adults too. If you don’t see a change in two weeks contact me.

SUMMARY OF INTERVENTION

  1. Have face to face time with him/her
  2. Smile
  3. Raise your eye brow when talking with him/her
  4. Touch him/her
  5. Use a low and slow voice with no background noise

A. Is my child watching inappropriate media?
B. Is my child watching too much media?
C. Is my child consuming too much sugar?
D. Am I currently experiencing a lot of stress and anxiety?

**NOTE: if you need personal coaching to help you understand these steps and put them into practice, please contact us. We’re here to help you, and not everyone can understand an aggressive defiant child just by reading something on the net! You may also wish to download our Angry Children Intervention for further information.

You may also like:

Strong Willed Child movie and information guide

Alpha Child intervention Guide, dealing with oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) and other ‘defiant’ child attitudes

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The post The Aggressive Defiant Child appeared first on Parents Partner Parenting Advice & Workshops for Parents, Teachers & Couples.

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